I just found this on my old notebook… 🙂

http://www.reddit.com/r/fifthworldproblems/

I’m trying to upgrade humans but no one commented any of this DNA code. C’mon, guys. Sloppy programming!

Someone just told me my exact velocity and now I’m lost.

Now our son has told us he “identifies as a Bose-Einstein condensate.” Is this just a phase?

I cut myself on Occam’s Razor, and I can’t think of the simplest way to stop the bleeding.

My girlfriend told me that the world doesn’t revolve around me and then the earth stopped spinning. Now there are no longer days and nights. How do I make it spin again?

I became so depressed that I collapsed under my own gravity and now I’m even more depressed because now I’m a black hole.

I told my companion star she was getting a little dense. Big mistake, she went supernova.

The people who live inside me keep calling me ‘Universe.’ My fucking name is Brian.

I’ve been gone for the past 14 billion years, WHERE DID ALL THIS ENERGY AND MATTER COME FROM?!

Well that was awkward: someone just wished upon me. Sorry kid, but unless your wish is that I go supernova within the next billion years, you’re out of luck.

I dropped my writer’s block and it created a plot hole in the fourth wall. Now these discontinuities won’t stop looking at me. Help?

The recipe said to bake for 35-40 min so I baked my cake for -5 minutes. Now there’s a cow, two chicken, a cocoa tree and about a square mile of different crops in my oven

I accepted Jesus as my savior, but he keeps using ‘Save As…’ and now there are more than 87 of me.

I accidentally installed Windows XD instead of Windows XP. Now my PC won’t take anything seriously.

I found my virginity again

Sex with my wife has become so mechanical ever since she failed the Turing test. :/

I’m an atheist, but I ascended to godhood. I don’t believe in myself so I stopped existing.

I discovered how, no that doesn’t sound right. I linked my brain to the data stream, but now I cant find the backspace button. How do I correct my typos, well they arent really typos. How do I stop my thoughts from instantly becoming text?

Help. I accidentally melted my solid-state drive down into a liquid-state drive; it’s become LSD and I’m afraid I might get arrested for possession. What should I do?

My suicide attempt failed so completely that I’m now immortal.

was arrested for rape after my towels became self aware.

I destroyed a language and intentionally replaced none of its words with the synonymous ones. Everything is all right, I certainly know what to do.

I tried making my prom dress out of the fabric of time but I accidentally tore a hole in it. So, not only is my outfit ruined, the prom has already happened! FML

I squared my universe and now my imaginary friends are real.